"We should do things because they feel like an authentic way to actively build a life that we want — if it doesn’t work out, it won’t be for our lack of trying."
It sounds so simple, but this idea has been a game-changer for me. Instead of living for the outcome exclusively, make sure that *the way* I'm climbing towards the outcome is authentic, even fulfilling. Turns out my days can be a lot more satisfying when the way I do things matters.
One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is letting go of the outcome, especially when it comes to my creative expression and pursuit of love and partnership. Essential and necessary. Thank you for timely reminder and perspective!
Love this - letting go of the outcome is so real. I think when we attach ourselves to the outcome it really distorts our genuine effort on the begging.
Just saw your comment after I wrote mine. We definitely don’t want to assume we did something wrong but can we totally discount the result unless we can “know” that we tried “hard enough”
Is there ever a way of truly "knowing"? There are so many factors that go into "hard enough," that change depending on the moment, situation, people involved, etc etc etc. What might be my 100% effort one day could be my 25% effort another day, depending on the context of what's happening that day. I think it's less about "knowing" and more about meeting and accepting ourselves as multi-dimensional human beings who are enough based simply on the mere fact that we are alive and navigating the complexities of the human experience.
First of all, thank you so much for responding. Second of all, I totally agree with everything you’re saying. I think what I’m trying to say is this existential pain that often times people feel when they experience rejection. Because maybe it was my fault that they responded the way they did, and it wasn’t being my authentic self. I think that self-doubt can sometimes be debilitating unless we reminder ourselves that even when we are not and we’re not fully aligned with who we are, it’s still OK and part of who we are. Does that make sense to you? Thank you again for taking the time
Totally agree! What comes up for me as I read your comment is that there is a difference between living in full alignment with who we are and being perfect/the best version of ourselves. In other words, authenticity does not mean the most ideal version of ourselves...it's being able to fully accept ourselves exactly as we are in the present moment. Which is in line with what you're saying :)
There’s so many layers to this conversation and I appreciate your engagement. I wonder if in thought many of us have graduated to the ideal of living authentically. We know that’s the only way to go. However I’m more primitive child parts find it frustrating when we don’t get access to what we feel we need for our happiness and hence doubt if something is missing over here… There’s so much to say. Don’t want to overwhelm ☺️
I just had to drop in and say thank you for sharing. I feel like it is important to highlight these topics. What came to mind after reading your publication was this quote.
"Show me someone for whom success is less important than the manner in which it is achieved. Of concern for the means, rather than the ends, of their actions…I want to see him. This is the person I have looked for a long time, the true genius."
I resonated with everything that is mentioned in the newsletter, simply because I have experienced both the truths in my life first hand. I gave my all (and almost an entire year of my life) for an exam and I still failed. As much as it stung the first day, the next day I got back up because I knew it taught me a valuable lesson in patience. I decided to show up once again, this time with intention instead of pressure and the experience has been so rewarding. Maybe the success that we have been chasing all along is in continuously showing up in good and bad times times (and slowing down when required).
Wow. That was deep. I’m amazed at what you’ve probably learned from earlier in your life that allowed you to come to that insight and thinking that this experience was not of failure of the test rather than opportunity to teach you patience. Really humbling reading your comment.
I think we learn so much from our own story and I did the same. It really does come down to the choice of either living on autopilot or being intentional with every step you take. Sending so much positivity your way✨
It’s actually vulnerable for me to comment, but like you said it’s so powerful when someone resonates with a part of me, that I feel it’s worth the risk of how they will respond to connect with a part of me out there in the larger world...
Did you ever experience that? (I know, it’s weird when you don’t know who this other person is, but at times you can feel deep inside like you do know??)
I do understand what you mean. I think we are all living in such a small and preserved environment in a huge world, so much so that we tend to get lost in the petty things sometimes. Writing has helped me connect with so many people from different parts of the world and it feels great to know that there are people out there who think the same way as I do, who prefer peace over running the race. We are never alone, and that is the power of community!
100% I find myself giving these messages to our boys too( ages 11 and 14). Especially our high-schooler. We picked a high school for him whose message is „highschool should be seen as the time to get to know yourself more not just the place that is getting to the top college“ and „we are going to help you to learn how to fail as much as we are going to help you succeed“. Thank you for capturing this message so beautifully.
I see this note from your phone can be applied to relationships. But mutual open authentic communication is key for any relationship to work. I like to say true love and understanding can only travel on a two-way street. I believe both men and women need to know having a closed mind, can limit life and their human experience, especially with other people. Now I would like to jump back to relationship betrayal for a quick second. It's true both men and women can be the initiators. I know of a wise man and a beautiful Queen who was both people who experienced relationship betrayal because of one another. I guess they let go of striving for the outcome of their actions, if they were trying for perfection and fell back in love with each other and had a lasting relationship and marriage when they lived in the moment, And did their best at that time to change themselves and be what each other needed/wanted. Sara I think you should write a book on relationship betrayal. But until then, thanks again for another thoughtful and informative note/post.
This information is so critical. It allows us to measure our success and who we are and that’s how the world responds to us. My question is however what happens when we don’t get what we seek, like things like connection. How does one know if they truly gave it their all? Especially since there’s this void of not getting what you want or maybe even need. You can console yourself that you are being authentic if you know you did everything you could but how does one know if they did that? Until you know that, as in through this existential pain of not clicking with the world around yourself? Thank you so much for this life-saving information
I love this! I find many if not most failures in my clients come because they are trying to be someone else, not a better version of themselves.
“We should do thing because they feel like an authentic way to actively build a life that we want–if it doesn’t work out, it won’t be for our lack of trying. “
“we should become more intentional about how we try.” This reminds me that we have mental, emotional, and physical limits. We can’t deplete ourselves by trying to continue to give and find life to dead situations.
One foot in one foot out. I've noticed this in past behavior of mine and it got me absolutely nowhere. Having spent countless years in reflection and becoming more familiar with introspection I can sincerely say "lesson learned." Unfortunately, I now watch many around me in my environment display the same type of behavior, but everyone has their path.
"We should do things because they feel like an authentic way to actively build a life that we want — if it doesn’t work out, it won’t be for our lack of trying."
It sounds so simple, but this idea has been a game-changer for me. Instead of living for the outcome exclusively, make sure that *the way* I'm climbing towards the outcome is authentic, even fulfilling. Turns out my days can be a lot more satisfying when the way I do things matters.
Thanks for sharing, Sara!
YESSSS!!! Everything you wrote resonates so deeply with me. It was an important shift for me as well–it changed my life!
Well said and something many of us need to be reminded of again and again since the opposite message is so prevalent in our culture.
I am glad it resonates! It felt like a nice reminder writing it!
One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is letting go of the outcome, especially when it comes to my creative expression and pursuit of love and partnership. Essential and necessary. Thank you for timely reminder and perspective!
Love this - letting go of the outcome is so real. I think when we attach ourselves to the outcome it really distorts our genuine effort on the begging.
So real and attachment is also very real! Lately I've been doing the work of embracing the art of detachment. Game changer!
We are sooo wired to believe that when something goes wrong, it must be because we didn’t try hard enough or that something is wrong with us.
Just saw your comment after I wrote mine. We definitely don’t want to assume we did something wrong but can we totally discount the result unless we can “know” that we tried “hard enough”
Is there ever a way of truly "knowing"? There are so many factors that go into "hard enough," that change depending on the moment, situation, people involved, etc etc etc. What might be my 100% effort one day could be my 25% effort another day, depending on the context of what's happening that day. I think it's less about "knowing" and more about meeting and accepting ourselves as multi-dimensional human beings who are enough based simply on the mere fact that we are alive and navigating the complexities of the human experience.
First of all, thank you so much for responding. Second of all, I totally agree with everything you’re saying. I think what I’m trying to say is this existential pain that often times people feel when they experience rejection. Because maybe it was my fault that they responded the way they did, and it wasn’t being my authentic self. I think that self-doubt can sometimes be debilitating unless we reminder ourselves that even when we are not and we’re not fully aligned with who we are, it’s still OK and part of who we are. Does that make sense to you? Thank you again for taking the time
Totally agree! What comes up for me as I read your comment is that there is a difference between living in full alignment with who we are and being perfect/the best version of ourselves. In other words, authenticity does not mean the most ideal version of ourselves...it's being able to fully accept ourselves exactly as we are in the present moment. Which is in line with what you're saying :)
There’s so many layers to this conversation and I appreciate your engagement. I wonder if in thought many of us have graduated to the ideal of living authentically. We know that’s the only way to go. However I’m more primitive child parts find it frustrating when we don’t get access to what we feel we need for our happiness and hence doubt if something is missing over here… There’s so much to say. Don’t want to overwhelm ☺️
I just had to drop in and say thank you for sharing. I feel like it is important to highlight these topics. What came to mind after reading your publication was this quote.
"Show me someone for whom success is less important than the manner in which it is achieved. Of concern for the means, rather than the ends, of their actions…I want to see him. This is the person I have looked for a long time, the true genius."
-- Epictetus
Beautiful!
I resonated with everything that is mentioned in the newsletter, simply because I have experienced both the truths in my life first hand. I gave my all (and almost an entire year of my life) for an exam and I still failed. As much as it stung the first day, the next day I got back up because I knew it taught me a valuable lesson in patience. I decided to show up once again, this time with intention instead of pressure and the experience has been so rewarding. Maybe the success that we have been chasing all along is in continuously showing up in good and bad times times (and slowing down when required).
Wow. That was deep. I’m amazed at what you’ve probably learned from earlier in your life that allowed you to come to that insight and thinking that this experience was not of failure of the test rather than opportunity to teach you patience. Really humbling reading your comment.
Thank you so much for your comment.
I think we learn so much from our own story and I did the same. It really does come down to the choice of either living on autopilot or being intentional with every step you take. Sending so much positivity your way✨
I would add- not just intention. But humility. The healthy type. Which you beautifully exhibited. Pleasure meeting you here
Nice meeting you here too! Love how powerful this community is on Substack. It has to be one of my favourite apps of all time.
And thank you so much for your kind words!
It’s actually vulnerable for me to comment, but like you said it’s so powerful when someone resonates with a part of me, that I feel it’s worth the risk of how they will respond to connect with a part of me out there in the larger world...
Did you ever experience that? (I know, it’s weird when you don’t know who this other person is, but at times you can feel deep inside like you do know??)
I do understand what you mean. I think we are all living in such a small and preserved environment in a huge world, so much so that we tend to get lost in the petty things sometimes. Writing has helped me connect with so many people from different parts of the world and it feels great to know that there are people out there who think the same way as I do, who prefer peace over running the race. We are never alone, and that is the power of community!
100% I find myself giving these messages to our boys too( ages 11 and 14). Especially our high-schooler. We picked a high school for him whose message is „highschool should be seen as the time to get to know yourself more not just the place that is getting to the top college“ and „we are going to help you to learn how to fail as much as we are going to help you succeed“. Thank you for capturing this message so beautifully.
Woa. I wish I had gone to such a school!
I always told people that my masters program would not teach much but you’ll learn who you are as a person
We feel extremely lucky. I do wish it was the norm instead of the exception.
I see this note from your phone can be applied to relationships. But mutual open authentic communication is key for any relationship to work. I like to say true love and understanding can only travel on a two-way street. I believe both men and women need to know having a closed mind, can limit life and their human experience, especially with other people. Now I would like to jump back to relationship betrayal for a quick second. It's true both men and women can be the initiators. I know of a wise man and a beautiful Queen who was both people who experienced relationship betrayal because of one another. I guess they let go of striving for the outcome of their actions, if they were trying for perfection and fell back in love with each other and had a lasting relationship and marriage when they lived in the moment, And did their best at that time to change themselves and be what each other needed/wanted. Sara I think you should write a book on relationship betrayal. But until then, thanks again for another thoughtful and informative note/post.
This information is so critical. It allows us to measure our success and who we are and that’s how the world responds to us. My question is however what happens when we don’t get what we seek, like things like connection. How does one know if they truly gave it their all? Especially since there’s this void of not getting what you want or maybe even need. You can console yourself that you are being authentic if you know you did everything you could but how does one know if they did that? Until you know that, as in through this existential pain of not clicking with the world around yourself? Thank you so much for this life-saving information
I like the phrase “Lets fail with joy.” Doing our best on the journey, regardless of how the destination may look in the end.
I love this! I find many if not most failures in my clients come because they are trying to be someone else, not a better version of themselves.
“We should do thing because they feel like an authentic way to actively build a life that we want–if it doesn’t work out, it won’t be for our lack of trying. “
“we should become more intentional about how we try.” This reminds me that we have mental, emotional, and physical limits. We can’t deplete ourselves by trying to continue to give and find life to dead situations.
One foot in one foot out. I've noticed this in past behavior of mine and it got me absolutely nowhere. Having spent countless years in reflection and becoming more familiar with introspection I can sincerely say "lesson learned." Unfortunately, I now watch many around me in my environment display the same type of behavior, but everyone has their path.
Thank you for reading!!