Your effort matters
Let go of the outcome, it's not the point
Today’s newsletter is not particularly motivational, but it’s honest. I think it’s touching on two truths we need to be reminded of so that we can stop being so hard on ourselves. Truths that can help us keep our expectations realistic and sidestep the shame and loneliness that comes from living through hard things.
You can try your best and still fail.
We have created this mainstream narrative that life will work out if we just try hard enough and do the "right" things. The truth is, not always. Sometimes, we can do our best, but our relationships will still end, we still won't get that job, and our passion project will come to a painful and sudden end. It's scary to accept that our efforts may not be directly correlated to the outcome.
This is not to say that we should give up or stop trying. On the contrary, we should become more intentional about how we try. Instead of putting so much emphasis on the outcome, we need to ground our actions in alignment. We should do thing because they feel like an authentic way to actively build a life that we want–if it doesn’t work out, it won’t be for our lack of trying.
We need to stop letting our actions be guided by outcomes and root them in authenticity.
It’s a liberating to be able to say: "That didn't work out, but I can stand by everything I did and said. I can respect the fact I tried. I did my best; I stayed true to who I am.”
Moments like these are not failures, they just reflect the reality of what it means to be human.
You can communicate, and someone can still choose not to hear you.
The truth is that sometimes we can speak openly, clearly, and repeatedly, and someone may choose not to understand us. The thing about being heard is that the other person needs to be willing to listen. The person you are communicating with needs to be open to what you have to say, even if it challenges their idea of who you are, who they are, or how the world functions.
I’m sure you’ve been in a situation where you’ve communicated something and the other person just didn’t get it (or didn’t want to get it). It’s difficult and confusing, but it shouldn’t discourage us from voicing our needs, truth, expectations, etc. The answer is not to stew in silence.
We need to start paying attention to who doesn’t want to hear us (or struggles to hear us) and acknowledging the way that their lack of understanding will shape and/or limit the relationship. We need to set realistic expectations and then decide if or what kind of relationship we want to build with them.
Pictured: Train trip to Beacon.
I think once our lives become less about “succeeding” and more about being proud of the way we show up in the world and who we become, our journey will become more meaningful.
For more Sara content:
FREE LIVE WORKSHOP (Nov 14): Healing the Hidden Wounds of Trauma and Disconnection.
It’s On Me – My new book is available on kindle, audio and hardcover!
My page-a-day calendar for 2024 is filled with my quotes, tips, lists and reminders. If you like my Instagram page, I think you’ll love this!
"We should do things because they feel like an authentic way to actively build a life that we want — if it doesn’t work out, it won’t be for our lack of trying."
It sounds so simple, but this idea has been a game-changer for me. Instead of living for the outcome exclusively, make sure that *the way* I'm climbing towards the outcome is authentic, even fulfilling. Turns out my days can be a lot more satisfying when the way I do things matters.
Thanks for sharing, Sara!
Well said and something many of us need to be reminded of again and again since the opposite message is so prevalent in our culture.