The Art Of Breaking Up
7 things to keep in mind while your relationship is ending
I walked onto the train yesterday afternoon, fully expecting to put on my noise-cancelling headphones and slip into wistful oblivion while listening to some music and watching as the city becomes a blur through my window.
But as I sat down, so did two girls behind me. I didn’t even have enough time to choose the perfect playlist before I heard violent sobbing bounce off the back of my head. The girl was gasping for air and taking moments to inhale through her runny nose.
It was really difficult (or, in my case, impossible) to ignore.
She eventually asked her friend, “Do you want to hear our last text exchange?” I am assuming the friend nodded because, after that pause, all I heard was the first girl reading a bunch of text messages from her–what I would soon figure out–ex-boyfriend. (To clarify, I wasn’t trying to listen, but they were very loud).
The text exchange went something like this:
Girl: What do I mean to you?
Boy: Nothing.
Girl: What do you want to do about us?
Boy: Nothing.
Girl: So we are not getting back together?
Boy: No.
(I was sad for her, especially hearing the grief in her voice. And then, shock and outrage crept up as I listened a little longer to their conversation).
Boy: I don’t want to date you anymore. Get f*cked.
Gasp!
What?!
Boy: You look like a slut.
Girl: What makes me a slut?
Boy: You act like one. That picture of you on Instagram made you look like you were asking for it.
Then, the conversation went in circles for a couple minutes, with a bunch of degrading language and profanities being exchanged (I sat there with my eyes wide open) while she attempted to prove that she, in fact, was not a slut. The conversation became too frustrating to listen to, and just as I returned to my playlists she got a phone call. It was from her ex.
I was far too invested, and she was very loud. I think the whole train was silently listening.
Girl: I don’t think you understand how hurtful it is for you to say that. We had a relationship together. My family loves you and treats you as one of us. Does that mean anything to you?
By the way! The definition of a slut is (she gave her definition), and that’s not how I am behaving. Can you tell me what makes me a slut?
Boy: (I obviously couldn’t hear him on the other side of the phone)
Girl: Have you ever dated someone without calling them a b*tch or a slut once you broke up?!
Boy: (still no clue what he was saying)
Girl: What did I do that was so wrong? Try to make you happy?!
As finally I got off the train and finally glanced back, my heart broke at how young these girls were. This is when it starts! This is when the skill of breaking up should be learned and modeled… but for most people it isn’t.
The snippet of their break-up conversations made me realize that what they were reenacting was a fairly typical script (sadly). No, not everyone yells and swears but hearts are broken, feelings are miscommunicated, blame is thrown around, and indidviuals are crushed by confusion, frustration, betrayal, anger, etc.
As a society, we place so much emphasis on how relationships start and very little emphasis on how they end.
Let’s change that.
If you’re going through a break-up, here are seven things to keep in mind (so you can have a healthy ending):
Explain. If you’re the one ending things – the depth of your explanation should match the depth of the relationship. A stranger you went out with on three dates differs from someone you dated for years. Don’t make them guess, even if you think the reasons are obvious. (This doesn’t apply to abusive dynamics in which you do not need to explain yourself. Stay safe!).
If you’re being broken up with, don’t try to convince the person to stay. You are worth more than begging someone to love you. You are also putting them in a position where they have to reject you again (or be in a relationship they don’t want to be in).
You don’t need to match their language or energy. They are allowed to have their own process and self-expression (unless it’s abusive)… but don’t get sucked in. So many of us are triggered, wounded, or emotional that the way we show up is a mirror of these experiences rather than an accurate representation of what the relationship was or who we are.
Take responsibility for your part. Most of us would like to think that we had nothing to do with our relationship ending, but chances are, we played a part…even if it was just 1%. Taking ownership of our part avoids the blame game with our ex and allows us to learn from our experience.
Establish boundaries. Any healthy relationship, even one with our ex, depends on setting, adjusting, and re-establishing boundaries. This helps both of you understand how things will change and within what parameters the dynamic will unfold (if at all).
Give it some time. Everyone is grieving, so it is essential to give each other space so that you do not say or do something you will regret (e.g., be harsh and mean, impulsively hook up, or try again without fixing problems).
Control your inner narrative. So many of us change the relationship narrative at the very end to make the other person a villain (to preserve the way we see ourselves). This often makes moving on easier, but it does not help you do so healthily.
How did your last break up go? What did you learn?
I am not implying that you need to be friends with your ex but I do think we should end relationships with intention and care.
Let’s not let our desire to move on ruin the endings of our love stories.
** I do think that these tips, if slightly adjusted, are relevant for all types of relationships ending!
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Some brilliant points on here. I went through a break-up last summer and although it was incredibly sad and painful. I felt I handled it so much better than all my other break-ups including my divorce. It has taken for me to be 45 to get to that point of knowing. It doesn't make it easier when a relationship ends but I know I can move through that healing much more focused on me and not them. Thanks Sara x
My husband and I separated last year and we have a daughter together so this has felt hugely different to any other break up I’ve been through as it’s not as if we can cut ties and never talk or see each other again. We’ve been working on our communication more now than we did when we were together!
All of these points you’ve made have been so important for us to implement for the sake of our daughter (which has somehow made it easier to have her as the shared interest, more so that our marriage).
But even for people without children, getting closure through communication and allowing some time to pass is so vital to be able to move to forward 🤍