“How do I stop thinking about my ex?”

Six tips that can help

“How do I stop thinking about my ex?” must be one of the most common questions I get from my audience on Instagram. But unwanted thoughts about people extend past long-term relationships. Sometimes, we feel stuck thinking about someone we only went on a few dates with, or an individual who flirted with us but is showing no further interest (how frustrating!).

Feeling trapped in our thoughts is uncomfortable, disheartening, and frustrating. However, thinking about an ex (or someone we hoped we would have a future with) is normal. The new distance (and reality) takes some time to get used to. “I just want to detach” is a phrase I often hear, but I don’t think we ever truly detach from people. Attachment just looks and means something different as the context of the dynamic changes.

So—while you read my answer to this popular question—I hope you remember that healing takes time and that you have every right to be patient and gracious with yourself. 

6 things to consider if you can’t stop thinking about an ex:

1. Explore why thinking about them bothers you so much. What does it bring up for you? 

• What are your beliefs about how you “should” feel and act towards a former partner?

• Are these beliefs realistic?

• Are these beliefs healthy? 

• Who taught you/modeled these beliefs?

So many of us think that our ex should not be someone we think about or that we should be able to live our lives as if we never dated. This is incredibly unrealistic, and attempting to achieve this goal often leads to suppression, denial and avoidance. 

2. Find the lesson. If we find ourselves ruminating, these constant thoughts are often trying to teach or show us something. I like to ask: “What is the purpose of these thoughts?” or “What need are these thoughts fulfilling?” For example, do we feel more connected to the person when we think about them? Does it help us escape some of the grief we are feeling? Are we sitting with the mistakes or what-ifs of our previous relationship so we don’t have to move on and face new challenges? Once we identify the need our thoughts are fulfilling, it’s our job to meet it in a more healthy and productive manner. 

3. Disrupt the thought. If you keep having thoughts you don’t want to be having, do an activity that disrupts or stops the thought patterns. Do 10 pushups, read a paragraph in a book, or take some deep breaths. It’s hard not to think about a person who, in the past, we were encouraged to think about. It will take time!

4. Take a look at your life. The fact that you keep thinking about them may be a sign that your life lacks excitement or fulfilment. Think about adding activities and being around people that bring joy or meaning. When we are having a genuine and authentic interactions, or when we are doing something that has purpose, we rarely pick up our phones or think about things other than the present moment. Find activities that ground you in the here and now.

5. Set boundaries. If you still follow them on social media, text them from time to time, or look at their pictures on your phone – maybe take a pause. Being exposed to something will make it more likely that we will think about it. Not everyone has to set communication or social media boundaries, and these boundary don’t have to be there forever, but if you’re struggling… consider it! 

6. Give it time. Instead of pathologizing your thoughts or dreams about an ex, allow time to offer the perspective and space needed to change your attachment to a previous partner. 

Understanding the depth and complexity of our human experience can help us be a little less impatient and a little more curious and intentional about how we show up at the beginning and at end of relationships. 

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