Stop expecting your family to act differently just because it’s the holiday season.

Three reflection questions & three gentle reminders

One notable observation during the holiday season—aside from individuals overspending, taking on too many obligations, and attempting to meet unrealistic expectations—is that most of us cling to the hope that things will be different this holiday season.

We hope that our uncle won’t drink too much, that our grandma won’t comment on the way we raise our children, that our dad won’t mock our job, or that our cousin won’t make remarks about our weight or relationship status. Perhaps, we hope that our estranged family member will finally reach out.

Most of us are are trying to hope our way into change.

We want to believe many things, with the most common desire being that the painful or annoying aspects of our family will take a time out so that we can enjoy the festivities or, at the very least, have one delicious dinner without an argument or mom crying. Is that too much to ask for?

Generally, no, but depending on your family dynamic, perhaps, yes.

Patterns and family dynamics don’t halt during the holidays; if anything, they amplify. Most of us keep getting hurt and let down, and it takes us about a year to get over it before we build up our hopes again and restart the cycle.

So, if your family won’t change, what can?

Answer: Your expectations.

It is helpful to expect exactly the patterns you have experienced up to this point. The one exception being if the family is explicitly discussing and working on changing their dynamics; if they are attempting to reconcile, repair, and heal. However, if such conversations have not occurred, and steps have not been taken, expecting what you’ve experienced is a fair call.

The purpose is not to kill your hope, but to protect you from further disappointment and pain.

Let’s reflect together:

• What are you hoping for this holiday season?

• What would be a realistic expectation for this holiday season?

• Are your hopes and expectations different? If yes, how so?

Three things to keep in mind:

1. The holidays won’t change your family, but the way you choose to engage with your family is something you can change. Set realistic expectations, limit exposure, accept their emotional limitations, establish more boundaries, etc.—whatever works for your context.

2. You may not have a picture-perfect family (or maybe you don't even talk to your family), but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy this holiday season if you want to—even if it looks different from the movies. Consider starting traditions you would enjoy, such as strolling city streets with hot chocolate, gathering with friends, binge-watching all the Harry Potter movies, or making a gingerbread house.

3. You can skip the holidays. The hype is overrated (and that’s coming from someone who loves the holiday season). If it’s making you sad or stressed, don’t buy into the marketing. If you don’t want to celebrate—don’t!

The greatest gift you can give yourself this holiday season is a sense of agency.

Holiday Shopping:

In case you need some help with your holiday shopping, consider getting someone my book “It’s On Me.” (CURRENTLY ON SALE). It’s perfect for an individual who is feeling disconnected from themselves, lonely, lost, or unsure who they are. OR, consider getting someone a physical “page-a-day” calendar for 2024 with my quotes, lists, and reminders!