"I have everything I thought I wanted, but I am still unhappy."
Here is why.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably asked yourself “is this all there is?” You may not like admitting to others that you aren’t content, and might even feel ashamed if you’re in a relationship or have kids. These feelings may seem normal during our lows, but can be unsettling during the highs – amidst the times society tells us we should be happiest. The anticipated joys keep falling flat, making us feel anxious about whether anything meaningful actually exists. Getting a new job or an engagement ring might feel great for a moment, but it likely fades away before long.
In these moments, our inner dialogue may sound like: “I am ticking off the boxes of a picture-perfect life, but I am still not content. I have this dull ache lingering beneath the surface that refuses to be cured by the superficialities of outward achievements. I want something more substantial, but I don’t know what that is.”
We have been taught that happiness comes from achieving or possessing things. But the “perfect” lives that we have crafted won’t make us happy if they’re not authentic reflections of who we truly are.
After one milestone or another, we begin to realize that achievements alone are not enough for genuine fulfillment. Having a “perfect” life means very little if it’s not our own.
If you find yourself caught in a web of discontentment, there are a number of reasons this might be happening:
You don’t know who you are, so your decisions don’t align with you
You haven’t stopped to ask yourself what you really want
You are trying to live a life to make other people happy
You don’t stop to be grateful for the things you have
You refuse to change your mind, so you do things that no longer bring you joy
You focus more on your output than your own humanity
You don’t have anyone to share your milestones with
You spend time in a way that holds no meaning for you
Our actions, successes, and relationships will only bring us closer to happiness if they align with who we are. Otherwise our passions and goals are nothing more than a whim: a meaningless way to use our time.
Our actions, success, and relationship will only bring us closer to happiness if we take the moment to actually notice them. In our ceaseless pursuit of happiness, our gratitude can fade into the background. We can be too “busy” to be grateful. We stop seeing the small miracles that dot our lives because we take them for granted while we fervently chase elusive dreams. If you find yourself barely able to catch your breath before diving into a new project, stop. Take time to sit with what the milestone means – or doesn’t mean – to you.
Our actions, success, and relationship will only bring us closer to happiness if the process of reaching the milestone is as meaningful as the milestone itself. Reaching professional or personal milestones is how we spend our precious time. It’s not enough to have days or even months of joy if the process itself is not worth your time – and your life.
If you’re currently struggling to figure out who you are, why you’re alive, and how to live a fulfilling life, I wrote a book about this very topic. It’s called It’s On Me.
Love this topic Sara thanks for sharing! I feel the biggest disconnect is within us. We can so easily get swayed by conditioning and end up chasing a criteria and end up realising we’ve climbed the wrong mountain. We live in a hamster wheel society where being busy is the definition of success. The more you have going on, the better. This narrative feeds into our self-worth. I know for me personally I’ve struggled to slow down because I think I’m “wasting time” and that it isn’t “productive” to rest. But it’s about trusting our own rhythm and redefining what success means to us. The finish line is death, so why are we obsessed with moving so fast?
I love that you include gratitude on this list. I've spent years dismantling my true desires from what I was raised and conditioned to want, and it's gotten SO me far. But the last piece that was still missing turned out to be gratitude. Brené Brown shared a study in one of her podcasts that the people who are most regularly feel joy are those who are most regularly connect with gratitude. Even more revelatory (for me personally), she discovered that you don't reach gratitude by being joyful, you find joy by being grateful. Thanks, Sara, for this short, insightful read! Perfect way to start a Monday.