Most of us have been taught to strive for our "happily ever after."
We have been led to believe that an external source–person, place, or thing–will bring us the comfort and fulfillment we seek. Many of us were convinced that the "right" relationship will get our lives in order and solve all our problems.
Not sure what I mean? Here are some examples of how people talk about the “power” of a romantic relationship:
You hate yourself? Be in a relationship with someone who will love you so much that they will change your mind.
You hate your job? Be in a relationship that will distract you from your mundane and unfulfilling work.
You hate your ex because they hurt you? Start a new relationship that will give you everything you want.
You hate your family? Be in a relationship that can help you start your own family.
So on and so forth…
This narrative is why so many of us prioritize romantic relationships over platonic or familial ones. It's why we are so stressed when we get rejected, or why we put up with things that hurt us–we believe that being in a relationship (even a crappy one) brings us closer to a “happy” life.
But what if a romantic relationship is not the answer?
Chances are that after the infatuation wears off, you will start to realize that despite this great relationship (if you have built one of those), you still might not like yourself, that you are still wasting your potential at your job, that the way your ex treated you created wounds that are still unaddressed, and that it still hurts you when your mother makes jokes about your body.
It's important to realize that the fairytale doesn't exist in a traditional sense. Your entire purpose, meaning, and fulfillment does not hinge on one other person (even if you have the BEST relationship). You are still going to have to address your wounds and put in the effort to create a version of your Self that we want.
It's time to grieve the fairytale, so that we can start building fulfilling lives.
Let’s start emphasizing the following:
Working on something meaningful (a hobby or job that holds value).
Leaning into self-expression.
Investing in our friendships and/or family relationships.
Thinking about the journey you want to go on as a person.
Allowing yourself to experience, try, fail, and expand.
Being present from moment to moment.
Making decisions that align with you.
P.S. I am not implying romantic relationships are not important, I am just stating that most of us disregard other aspects of our lives that end up costing us our authenticity or sense of fulfillment.
UPCOMING:
My book, It’s On Me, is out September 19, 2023!
I am hosting an event in NYC! September 21–come join me!
I am doing an event in LA! September 25–come say hi!
This is so right on, Sara. Thanks for writing it. One thing many people don't recognize (I didn't for a long time) is how relationships mirror back our insecurities, wounds, and unrealistic demands we place on each other for our happiness and fulfillment. Also...excited for your book. Congrats!
Some much needed difficult truths in this piece. Grieving this fairytale together. Thanks for writing this.